Friday, April 16, 2010

Earth v/s Man!



Man: What’s up bro?

Earth: Hey buddy, not feeling quite well. Sup with you?

Man: Tanned! You are not making me feel good man. Can’t you cool down a bit?

Earth: All your fault my friend, it’s all your fault.

Man: My fault? Are you crazy?

Earth: Ever heard about Global Warming?

Man: Yeah, some crap scientists do talk about it, but never gave a shit.

Earth: You are the most ignorant creature I have ever seen.

Man: What’s about Global Warming?

Earth: The sun’s rays enter my atmosphere and bring life and heat to me. However a huge amount of this radiation is reflected back by my surface.
Carbon Dioxide, Nitrous Oxide, Methane and Water vapour are called greenhouse gases. These gases form a layer in my atmosphere and prevent the reflected radiation from leaving me i.e. they absorb the heat. This causes the temperature on my surface to rise. This effect is called Global Warming.

(Meanwhile Earth farts and farts loud.)

Earth: Oops!

Man: Yucks! What was that man?

Earth: What do you do when your tummy is upset with tons of gases bubbling to burst out?

Man: But that was dangerous man! We don’t fart along with that kind of thunderous sound and ravaging fire.

Earth: Sorry mate, couldn’t control it. It was burning and the pressure was just unsustainable. But you are to blame for my present deteriorating condition.

Man: Me, again?

Earth: Ofcourse! You use me, all my natural resources and revolutionize & industrialize yourself without even thinking about the effects it has on me.

Man: You mean to say all those irregular rainfalls, rising temperatures and all other natural catastrophes are the after effects of my activities? Crap!

Earth: It’s true man. The fact won’t change even if you deny a million times.

Man: Okay! Even if I accept what can I do to set everything right? What difference can I make?

Earth: In fact you are the only one who can make a difference. I would like to mention some very simple and small steps that would certainly make a huge impact to arrest the rising temperatures and mitigate the effects of Global Warming if collectively followed by all of you.

Firstly, Get Educated. Educate yourself about global warming. The more facts you have about what mainstream science says about it, the more you can persuade others to make simple yet effective changes in daily behavior. Use education to enlighten, not frighten.

Man: hmmm...go on buddy. I am all ears.

Earth:

Save Electricity. Turn off lights, fans and other electrical appliances when not in use. Avoid using air conditioners and heaters. Even if you use air conditioners, set them at a temperature of 24 degrees or more. Use energy efficient appliances. Make use of CFLs wherever possible. Don’t keep your computers on stand by mode.

Save Water.
Avoid using shower for bathing; use buckets and mugs instead. This will help you save a lot of water. Check out for leaking taps and keep the taps closed if not required. Open the taps only when you need to rinse. You people have a habit of throwing the water remaining at the bottom of the glass; avoid it. Ask your society to start water harvesting. Even if 1 person saves atleast 1 litre of water everyday, it would account for an astronomical amount of water saved if done collectively.

Walk, run, bicycle and skate your way to places that are near. This not only reduces your ecological footprint, but also keeps your body healthy. Use public transport for long distances. Even if you have to use a car, go for the option of carpool if possible.

Man: That’s quite a long list.

Earth: Long but simple. Here’s more.

Choose Vegetarian meals. According to the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization, the meat industry contributes to 18% of the annual worldwide Green House Gases emissions. The meat industry pollutes 40% more than what all the cars, buses, trains, planes and ships in the entire world do!

Man: Give me a break man. Dude, 90 % of the world population is non vegetarian. How many do you think would be ready to eat green and what difference would it make anyways?

Earth: Even if 5% of the world population chooses to be a vegan, it would have a great impact. Moreover, you need to give those poor animals a break. You already suck up their milk, why the need to eat them up?
The list is never ending mate. But I think this is enough for you.

Man: Yeah...phew!

Earth: Last but not the least.
Encourage. You do your bit towards the environment and also advise others to do so.
Even if you are a cynic and somehow don’t agree with the concept of global warming, you will certainly benefit in terms of healthy lifestyle, increased savings and reduced pollution by following these, not so complex activities.
Get rid of your cynical attitude regarding as to what difference would it make if I do it and others don’t. Somebody has to make a start. You be the trend setter, you be the change; others will follow!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Love, Shoaib and Dhokha!



The actual truth about the Shoaib–Ayesha fiasco is out. And it’s no other than our very own, Fekuchand Reporter who interviews, reports, writes and bares it all.

The Story:

A Hyderabadi girl, Ayesha Siddiqui has alleged that the controversial Pakistani cricketer, Shoaib Malik has married her over a phone and is seeking divorce before he marries someone called Sania Mirza. But Shoaib has denied the allegations made by Ayesha and claimed innocence to which her family reacted by filing a complaint with the police. Now this move by Ayesha’s kin really freaked out Shoaib and he went into hiding at Sania’s place. It was never a difficult job for the hyderabadi police to locate him and they seized his passport. Now that Shoaib realized that he was in some serious deep shit admits to have married Ayesha and accepts her divorce application.

Here is what some people involved had to say about the whole episode:

Ayesha:

(Crying) I am deeply saddened by Shoaib’s behaviour. He has ditched me. Sania would also ditch him.
(Suddenly composing herself) He was so romantic while we used to chat. He had even promised me that we would go for honeymoon to a very dark, somber, gloomy and quite place with small bolts of lightning bursting out at regular intervals, with a crackling environment with loads of poor and irrational people around. (on being asked the name of the place, she promptly replied) PAKISTAN!
(When asked for the reason for divorcing him) I know in our caste one man can have several wives. (Shyly)But he should be powerful enough, you know. My actual reason for divorcing him was not Sania but his powerlessness. You know, he always needs that Extra Musli Power…hehehe…I pity for Sania.”

Shoaib:

“I have not married anyone. But wait, hey, I have confessed in a couple of interviews of marrying an Indian girl. But Sania will be my first wife. Hey, somebody is trying to drag me to the court. Now that’s not fair com’on. Ok, I am ready to divorce Ayesha, but I haven’t married her. Ayesha’s family had shown me the photographs of another girl. Ayehsa had met me as Maha Apa (elder sister) of the girl whose photographs were sent to me. Otherwise have you seen her? uss moti, bhains se kaun shaadi karta...! huh!”

To which Ayesha replied, “Those were my photographs. But after my nikah was fixed with Shoaib, I was so happy that main fooli nahi samai, you see.”

Sania (with her fabricated anglicized accent):

“What the fuck man! I am totally confused. I have never ever been able to go beyond Round 2 whether it’s tennis or marriage. Atleast, this time around I want to go through the finals.”

Inzaman Ul Haq (former Pakistan cricket team captain also known as ‘Aloo’):

“The boy has played good knock and Inshallah will perform well in future. He has trained and worked very hard for it day and night. Inshallah he continue form in future and Pakistan youngster should look him. Inshallah!”

Fekuchand was so infuriated, he called him Bhaloo, Kaloo, Laloo and every other word that contained ‘Aloo’ and ran away. Phew! Ek toh Inzaman and upar se uski English!

Reactions from other Pakistani cricketers:

Shahid Afridi – Excited! (coz Shoaib has promised him a dish of Balls!)
Mohammed Asif – Thrilled! (Nasha hi Nasha hai!)
Mohammed Yusuf – RETIRED! (WHAT THE FUCK!)

Common Man:

“Boss! Paisa bolta hai! Ayesha is from quite an affluent family. But Shoaib really pisses me off man! Initially he had confessed to marrying an Indian girl in front of a jam packed stadium. Now he was adamant on his stance of not marrying anyone. Inspite of that he divorced Ayesha. Now can somebody explain me what the hell is happening? He sucks big time man, big time!”

Thursday, April 1, 2010

CID ke saath Sher-o-Shayari!



(STATUTORY WARNING: The compilation given below has been made with the help of PJ shayaris sent to me by my friends and ofcourse, self input! So those who can withstand extreme PJ shayaris should continue reading. For better effect imagine the following actually happening. Enjoy!)

Scene 1:

Somebody called Vinay has been killed. The CID team after a thorough investigation locates the suspect’s house. Suspect is somebody called Raj.
The CID team arrives in a standard white Qualis driven by Inspector Daya and the car comes to a screeching halt as soon as it enters the gate of the suspect’s house. In a jiffy, the whole team is at the door.

Abhijit -

Kabhi Ram bolo, kabhi Shyam bolo
(Rest of the team)wah wah...
Kabhi Ram bolo, kabhi Shyam bolo
wah wah...
Raj! (thak thak thak thak!), Darwaza kholo!


Scene 2:

And as usual, the suspect doesn’t open the door.

ACP Pradhyuman –

Paanch rupaye may ek Samosa aur Dus rupaye ke do
wah wah...
Paanch rupaye may ek Samosa aur Dus rupaye ke do
Wah wah...
Kuch toh gadbad haiiiiiii….Daya, darwaza tod do!


Scene 3:

Daya, with his mighty leg breaks open the door with all its locks intact. The CID team gets into the house. Everything has been scattered. The CID team starts searching, one member in every room and then one by one everyone comes out and say –

Mere pyaar ka diya tune accha silaa,
(ACP Pradhyuman) wah wah...
Mere pyaar ka diya tune accha silaa,
Wah wah...
Sir, Raj yahan bhi nahi mila!


Scene 4:

Suddenly Fredricks notices some bloodstains on the floor. Everyone starts following the trail left by the blood (red red blood! oooooo) which leads them to a store room. On opening the door they find a body (which happens to be that of Raj’s) bathed in blood, shivering, trying to say something. But unfortunately, he dies. The CID girl (who keeps changing on a regular basis) gets into action for which she has been employed – to check the deceased’s pulse.

CID girl –

Pradhyuman ka ek baal jhad chuka hai
Wah wah...
Pradhyuman ka ek baal jhad chuka hai
Wah wah...
Oh my God! Sir, ye toh mar chuka hai!


ACP Pradhyuman –

Keyboard pe button hai Tab
Wah wah...
Keyboard pe button hai Tab
Wah wah...
Abhijeet, lash ko le chalo Forensic Lab!


Scene 5:

At the Forensic Lab, two bodies covered in white sheets with their heads popping out are kept under observation with Dr. Salunke fiddling with test tubes, potassium permanganate and water.

ACP Pradhyuman –

Laalu ki bhains ne nahi khaya chaara
Wah wah...
Laalu ki bhains ne nahi khaya chaara
Wah wah...
Agar Raj ne Vinay ko maara, toh Raj ko kisne maara?


Dr. Salunke –

Tu hi mera jiya, tu hi mera piya hai
Wah wah...
Tu hi mera jiya, tu hi mera piya hai
Wah wah...
Nahi BOSS! in dono ka khoon kisi ek ne hi kiya hai!


Scene 6:

Finally the CID team is able to locate the real culprit. But again as usual, he is absconding.

ACP Pradhyuman –

Devdas ko pasand thi Paro
Wah wah...
Devdas ko pasand thi Paro
Wah wah...
Daya, Abhijit, Fredricks, Vivek! Aaspaas ke saare ilaake chaan maaro!


Scene 7:

After a bit of bhaagam bhag the CID team finally catches up with the culprit.

ACP Pradhyuman (to culprit) –

Teri hasi pe main saari jawani luta dunga
Wah wah...
Teri hasi pe main saari jawani luta dunga
Wah wah...
WAHIN RUKK JAO! Warna goli chala dunga!


Scene 8:

At the bureau, after the culprit finally confesses to the killings.

ACP Pradhyuman –

Dede mujhe Benadryl, hai mujhe thodi khaasi
Wah wah...
Dede mujhe Benadryl, hai mujhe thodi khaasi
Wah wah...
Iski toh saza tumhe zaroor milegi, umra kaid ya fir shayad FAASI!


***THE END***