Friday, February 26, 2010

Gaadhav and BakRaj take on DurBal Thackeray

SS Chief Gaadhav Thackeray and MNS chief BakRaj Thackeray got candid in, what we can call a rarest of interviews with our editor Fekuchand Reporter.

It was never a difficult task to get them together on the same dais. We invited both of them over a peg of tequila at Sona bar where Makkhi Sawant was supposed to perform the same evening. (Yucks! We know but had got no other choice to bring those 2 together). Interestingly both of them had reached quite long before Fekuchand did and were quite heavily drunk. Gaadhav was busy fiddling with his professional camera, clicking pictures and BakRaj drawing caricatures of the already caricatured, Makkhi Sawant.
What ensued is even beyond your wildest of imaginations.

Here are the excerpts:

Fekuchand: Gaadhavji, throw some light on your latest protest against MNIK.

Gaadhav: (Removes a poster of MNIK featuring SRK and the dimwit literally throws some light on the poster with his mobile torch) I just love SRK…(starts kissing the poster). I had asked one of my followers to get me this poster.

Fekuchand: Sir, then why the hullabaloo against SRK?

Gaadhav: Wo budhav ki wajah se!

Fekuchand: Budhav?

Gaadhav: Arre that oldie DurBal Thackeray! That cartoon is at such a disastrous level of unemployment that even Saamna (SS’s mouthpiece) is not ready to feature his caricatures. Calls himself a tiger, what he does is only meow meow. (bursts into a wild laughter)

Fekuchand: Then whose caricatures are being published in Saamna?

BakRaj: Those are made by me! (saying so BakRaj again gets engrossed in Makkhi’s dance)

Fekuchand: DurBal Saheb questioned SRK’s Indianness…

(BakRaj cuts in...)

BakRaj: Toh DurBal deshdrohi aahe! He is the same man who had invited Javed Miandad to his house in 2004. Tabhi uski Indianness ghaas charne gayi thi? Remember, Miandad is not only a Pakistani national but also a close relative of Dawood who is India’s most wanted criminal.

(in the mean time Gaadhav continues with his photography...he then chips in...)

Gaadhav: Buddha pagal ho gaya hai saala. Once he started saying that there were actually 1412 tigers left and not 1411. On being asked the reason he said they forgot to count him. Then what the hell is he doing here? They should preserve him in a sanctuary or a jungle.

(Both continue to drill DurBal Saheb...)

BakRaj: Where was he when Mukesh Ambani named his IPL team “Mumbai Indians”? He should have protested to rename it to “Mumbai Maharashtrians”...haha...”Mumbai Maharashtrians”...sounds funny, isn’t it?

Gaadhav: Along with his age, his brain is also getting Durbal day by day. ‘Won’t allow Aussies to play’. What a dumb statement! - putting the Indian students in Australia more in danger. Hayden saamne ata na, chaddi gili ho jaati buddhav ki! Hahahahaha!

Fekuchand: Sir, it is being said that the only people being benefited from the Shiv Sena’s brand of politics are its leaders.

BakRaj: Absolutely true! In July 2005, Gulmohar Joshi’s son, Unmesh and I, BakRaj Thackeray swept up a 5-acre mill land in a bid, valued at an exaggerating 421 Crores right in the heart of Mumbai. So you see, it’s not a great deal for me to shell out a lakh rupee to distribute to those 1000 odd MNS workers for pelting stones and creating a ruckus.

Fekuchand: Sir, Shiv Sena’s protest against MNIK probably snatched away the lime light you were in.

(Gaadhav intervenes...)

Gaadhav: Lime Light! My Foot! BakRaj only knows how to do bak bak bak bak! Targeting poor, unarmed and unprotected people is all what this Dhakkan can do...hahahahaha. Look at us. We have targeted some of the most elite and venerated personalities of our society - Amitabh Bacchan, Mukesh Ambani, Sachin Tendulkar and ShahRukh Khan! (beaming pride)

BakRaj: And then got criticized by even the Marathi manoos...Champu!

Fekuchand: Gaadhavji, you looked promising when you entered politics but ended up following your father footsteps which led you nowhere.

(Gaadhav is dumfounded)

Bakraj: huh! COPYCAT!

Fekuchand: Bakrajji, isn’t it time you should really start doing something for the poor people of Maharashtra, leave alone India for that matter, instead of destroying public property of the already debt-ridden state whose debt stock is at a staggering 1,50,000 crore rupees?

(BakRaj is dumbfounded too)

(Fekuchand continues...)

Fekuchand: One last question - isn’t promoting Indianness and advocating peace & humanity a better way to strengthen your vote bank, rather than violence?

Both seemed repentant and in a pensive mood. After all, Fekuchand had given them an idea to strengthen their vote bank! What an idea Sirjiiiii!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Naxalites or Jihadis? -by Fekuchand Reporter

The biggest problem which India is facing currently is terrorism; this is what we think as common citizens of independent India.

But, hey wait, I, Fekuchand Reporter, have got something else to tell you. Recently, I happened to visit one of the dreadful Naxal camps in the deep forests of Midnapore, Bengal and even got a chance to interview Jhingara Dingora, a Naxalite. Here is what Jhingara had to say when asked for the reasons for their guerrilla warfare:

“I am a farmer by profession, you know, but it isn’t self-sufficing. I, along with many other farmers had asked our Government several times to improve our conditions but our pleas fell on impotent dicks I think”, Jhingara seemed plaintive while saying. “So, we took up Naxalism as a part-time job, yeah”, he continued plainly.

“Our chief says” continued Jhingara after a brief pause, “that our fight is against the system, landlords, babus, politicians, IAS and the police but still I don’t understand the killings of those 10 villagers in Bihar.” His face fumed with anger.

When I asked him whether injustice, seclusion and poverty were their main concerns, he intervened, “Injustice, yes, but poverty, MY FOOT! The chief is raining gold man; we still live in adversity”

On being asked to comment on terrorism in India, pat came the reply, “The jihadis are DICKHEADS! They use sophisticated tools and weapons for attacks and communication, and we, traditional methods. Inspite of that they have been able to claim only around say, 450 lives since January 2007 and we around 1500, that’s 3 times.”, he proudly claimed. “Just have a look at those jihadis; our women are a lot stronger than pricks like Ajmal Kasab”, he said, literally laughing his ass off.

“I just want to get out of this shitty Naxalism because this sucks big time man and am looking forward to join the Indian army to serve our country. After all I am an Indian too, ain’t I? ”, he whispered and ended on, which seemed to me, a serious note.

After I reached home, a serious thought struck me - Man, who are more dangerous, the Naxalites or the Jihadis? Should government try their patriotism or try to improve their conditions & help them have a say in the society or just hunt them down like the Srilankans did?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Shiv Sena's Job Advertisement


Job Description :

We are looking for rogues, hooligans, ruffians, vandals and psychopaths for our organization. The candidates will be trained on various ravaging activities such as Vandalism, Hooliganism and Destruction.

Eligibility/ Desired candidate profile:

* Should be an UNEMPLOYED Marathi Manoos (preferably UNEDUCATED)
* Should NOT have an ability to think i.e. should be IRRATIONAL
* Age/Gender – No Bar
* BEASTALITY is a mandatory criterion
* Should be comfortable with night shifts, Saffron color and Lathi-charge.

Key Skills:

Animality, Throwing Stones, Shouting

Salary :

Based on the number of glasses broken and the number times one gets hit by a lathi

Please Note:

Candidates advocating PEACE, HUMANITY and INDIANNESS need NOT apply. We entertain only BEASTS.

Organization Profile:

We, are an organization, who claim to follow Shivaji’s footsteps but have done so, unsuccessfully since all these years and have lived far below his standards. We also claim to stand for the rights of Marathi manoos but have only been successful in snatching away their rights and integrity. We have transcended all boundaries of Humanity and have even lost our self-respect. We actually don’t have anything better to do and hence these ravaging activities.

So, all those people who are good for nothing, useless and hopeless, please feel free to join our esteemed organization.